Pregnant For Halloween?
I’ve been on a bit of an emotional roller coaster for the past couple of weeks. The story begins with strange happenings on Halloween. While I was work and a routine trip to the ladies room I was met with some strange cervical fluid. Weird considering I was 11 days past ovulation and usually dried up by then.
I walked out of the bathroom to go back to my desk and I was stopped by one of my co-workers. She said that she had something to admit to me — she’d had dreams about me for two subsequent nights.
“What about?” I asked.
She did a looped arc around her belly — “You were pregnant,” she said.
Another co-worker nearby asked “Do you want to have kids Aubree?” (The dreaded question for a woman fighting infertility). I politely responded, yes but explained that I have fertility issues.
I went back to my desk and admit that my head was buzzing a bit. The interaction with my co-worker was quite odd, especially since it was someone that I don’t talk to much and surely hadn’t shared my issues with.
Could I be? A little Googling taught me that cervical fluid this late in the luteal cycle is a sign of early pregnancy.
Thoughts That Dominate
The thought started to dominate my mind as each day past and my temperatures remained high each morning. My chart looked really good — the best that it has all year…
I mentioned this to my husband in passing. I try not to get his hopes up about these kinds of things but the thought of possible pregnancy would not leave my mind. “Don’t get your hopes up,” he reiterated.
Unable to contain myself any longer I tested on 13 days past ovulation (three days past Halloween) and got a faint pink line in the positive half. I couldn’t believe my eyes! After staring at it for awhile to make sure my eyes were not playing tricks on me, I set it aside and shared the news with my hubby.
I took subsequent tests over the next couple of days and the positive pink line kept getting darker. This was really happening.
My body reminded me that it was happening by hitting me with sheer exhaustion. I struggled to make it through the work day without taking a nap at my desk and by the time I made it home I crashed on the couch. My boobs also swelled up to a whole new dimension, Lol.
Contributions to a Positive Pregnancy Test
While I reminded myself that it was early and anything could happen, I could not help but let my mind slip off into the possibilites. I had a vision of reading Dr. Seuss books to my little one and my mind shook with all the things I was going to teach them.
I also worried about my job situation and how I would manage with a change that would surely change our lives forever. How did people manage children? Honestly, I started to freak out a little bit 🙂
But the good thoughts outweighed the bad and I knew that everything would work out. More than anything I was excited that this had finally happened to me.
As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, I made the decision awhile back to stop trying to get pregnant. I’ve focused on healing myself and getting my body in the best order before really giving the whole pregnancy thing a go. Then without trying it happened.
I did several things different this month that I believe contributed to my success….
- I started drinking yarrow tea — a fabulous fertility tea that does so much for endo gals.
- I started taking Manjistha — an Ayurvedic herb that helps move the lymph and detoxifies the thyroid.
- I made a point to rest and relax — taking true free time away from working and building a business
- My focus wasn’t on getting pregnant, which took away the stress 🙂
Possibility of Miscarriage?
I admit that I was paranoid about miscarrying. I see this so commonly among endo sisters and then in my obsessive Googling I came across the statistic that 50% of women with endometriosis miscarry.
I continued to take my morning temperatures as a reassurance that I had enough progesterone to maintain the pregnancy. I’ve had a history of low progesterone issues including short luteal phases (on average only 9-10 days) and I tend to spot four days prior to the start of my period.
Well this past Monday my temperature dropped. Big time. You can see it on my chart above. This freaked me out and caused me to drop some tears. Was this the end? My fears were confirmed later in the day when I noticed light pink spotting in the bathroom that made me break down again.
I went home later that night and had a complete meltdown. The temperature drop and spotting — signs of a pending miscarry. While I had prepped myself for the possibility, the reality of it started to creep in. I was so grateful for my husband’s arms around me and soft kisses in my hair.
That night I tossed and turned and had horrible dreams of blood gushing out of me, and of me trying to keep it all in. When I woke I felt a little better, and as the day progressed I was assured that spotting is normal. Everything was going to be Ok.
But the spotting didn’t stop. It continued the next day.
Then I woke up Wednesday to awful period like cramps — that familiar twinge in my uterus unlike any other. I made a visit to the doctor’s office to have my hcg and progesterone levels checked and when I returned home I was met with bright red flow.
The night that followed was pure hell. I suffered with contractions from my uterus that shook my entire being and the emotions coupled with this — only added fuel to the pain. I didn’t take anything for the pain (in consideration that I could still be pregnant), but fought through it like a true endo warrior.
Realities of Loss
Wednesday night I couldn’t sleep much at all. The contractions were horrible. The only way I was able to get some sleep was through breath control and a simple word mantra — Calm. Calm. Calm. I put this focus on my shuddering uterus.
Within the little sleep that I did get last night I had a dream about my grandmother (who passed nearly a year ago). She was a younger version of herself, as I knew her as a small girl. She held out her hands and accepted a bright light from my hands. Recalling this makes me want to cry….
When I went to the bathroom yesterday morning I passed something very odd looking. A substance that appeared to be like tendons and….. well I won’t go into further detail.
Once this was out of me I started to feel better and I knew that I had just passed a little soul. I said a sad goodbye with the flush of the toilet and went down to the couch in somewhat of a shock.
The contractions calmed down and my intuition just knew that it was over. I picked up my headphones and opened up the meditation program that I am following right now with the Mentor’s Channel all about gratitude.
The lesson including the mantra — For those who have gone before me, I hold your love in my heart and soul.
Wow. These words made tears fall down my cheeks.
The miscarriage was confirmed yesterday via ultrasound, though I already knew this.
On the Positive Side?
This is the first positive pregnancy test that I’ve received and for that I am grateful. While the loss is insurmountable, the hope it gave me is stronger.
I am not giving up on carrying a new soul to life — a beautiful soul that will be a beautiful mix of my husband and I.
In the meantime, I know that our lost soul is safe in my grandmother’s arms.
Have you made it through a miscarriage? Did it follow with a successful pregnancy? What helped you through?
I’d love to hear from you.