I’ve been quiet here on the blog for the past couple of months. It’s the longest break I’ve taken since starting this space nearly five years ago. I break that silence today.
It’s time to fill you in on what has been going on behind the scenes, as my healing journey continues….
The past couple of months have been intense, to say the least. It started when I made the decision to join a mastermind program hosted by a spiritual mentor of mine named Kate.
I’m blessed that I crossed paths with Kate, and more so that she invited me to join her and three other women for the beta launch of her group program.
Kate is a psychic soul coach, and truth be told, she’s the real deal. She has the ability to hold up a mirror to your soul and get to the bottom of what’s going on, on a deeper spiritual level.
Kate works within the chakra energy system to identify blocks and release them through guided energy work, with help from visualizations and guided breathing.
Exploring the Roots…
The last communication I had on the podcast was when I first started the program with Kate and the other ladies. The first couple of weeks we explored the root chakra.
The root chakra is located at the base of your spine. It encompasses your first three vertebrae, bladder, and colon.
On an energetic level, the root chakra provides the foundation on which you build your life. It relates to ideas of stability, security, and your basic needs.
When this chakra is open, you feel safe and fearless. When it’s blocked, it throws everything else off.
During the first weeks of the program Kate introduced us to her root chakra meditation, which was a visualization exercise that looked deeper at five primary parts of the root chakra: safety/security, your home, body, money and your tribe, which includes your family and upbringing.
Slipping into the Darkness…
I went through the exercise and took a look at my roots in each of these areas. When I got to the safety and security root I noticed that it was smooth and nearly transparent. I reached for it, but I couldn’t hold on.
I fell back into the darkness. I literally felt it happen.
The darkness lingered long after I completed the meditation. Thoughts came into my mind that I hadn’t had in a long time. Dark ones. Resounding around the thought… I don’t matter. None of this matters.
I knew in my conscious mind that wasn’t true, but I couldn’t shake the thought. I cried a lot of tears and felt this horrible ache in my heart space.
I think this was triggered by exploring my root chakra, where my souls existence first took shape into human form. There’s a lot that can come up in that root space.
Psychologist Carl Jung related the root chakra to what he referred to as the collective unconsciousness, which encompasses past energies, going deeper into your ancestry.
I wanted to disappear.
I retreated from social media and my other modes of expression to you, here in this blog + podcast space. I had thoughts of deleting my existence on the Internet. None of it mattered. I wanted to disappear.
One morning I woke up to a memory, or perhaps a message. It popped into my head…. The Forgotten.
When I was 22, I lost my fiancé, Jeff. It was sudden. He died in a car crash. A couple of days before he died we went to see a movie at the theaters: The Forgotten.
The film’s about a mother whose son disappears. It’s as if he never existed. No one around remembered him. I remember the strange feeling that lingered after watching that film and then being witness to the death of a man I loved. One day he was here, the next he was gone.
I’m not sure why the memory came to mind. I hadn’t thought about that movie in years, but it made me feel sick. The Forgotten.
Perhaps you’ve been in that space too.
I cried a lot of tears during this time, enough to give myself a near permanent headache and puffy eyes. I couldn’t explain the great amount of grief that was releasing from me. It was intense, deep, darkness.
Perhaps you’ve been in that space too.
It was a couple of weeks later when I heard the news of another suicide in the endo community. It wasn’t someone I knew personally, but I saw that she was local to my area. My heart ached in understanding.
I pulled back from doing anything with my business or any creative endeavors. I crumpled up my to-do lists and directed all my attention towards reading. I let my mind travel to fantasy lands and took over the drama of someone else’s story. I devoured eight books over the course of two weeks.
Dark thoughts in the water.
My emotions transitioned into physical pain with the start of my period, which was met with hours of wet sobbing in the bath tub.
I’ve had many spiritual experiences in that bath tub. I’ve spent hours of horrible pain submerged in water, because it’s the only thing that brought relief. I’ve moaned, screamed, cried, prayed, slept and meditated in that tub.
I’ve also had dark thoughts in the water, when the pain got really bad. Like I could just drop in and end it all. I wouldn’t actually do that, but there were times when that’s how intense it got.
I am grateful that much of that intense physical pain has dissipated in the past six months, as greater healing has occurred.
What if the NOW sucks?
The pain I felt in the tub that day was more emotional than physical. It stirred up the question: Why? It didn’t feel like anything mattered. I was ready to disappear to another dimension as the kid did in The Forgotten.
Life with endometriosis has made me no stranger to suffering. It’s what led me to further spiritual exploration that connected me to the message of The Buddha: life is suffering.
Through the teachings of The Buddha and many other spiritual mentors to follow, I learned mindfulness and living in the present moment. That, after all, was the way to combat feelings of anxiety and depression that were generally rooted in thoughts of the past, or of the future.
But what if the now sucks? As I soaked in the tub that day, it did. I couldn’t get over the darkness that had come over my mind.
Searching for Meaning…
I brought a new book along with me, to read in the warm water. It was called Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl. The book shared his experiences as an Auschwitz concentration camp inmate during World War II.
Talk about suffering.
Viktor explained how he was able to survive the horrible living conditions and brutal work he had to complete each day as a prisoner. He described the differences between the inmates who made it out and those who died inside (outside of luck on who was chosen to go to the gas chambers).
The difference came from purpose.
Those that made it through were able to initiate forward thinking, beyond their existing circumstances. They took hold of something they felt positively about, and then imagined that outcome.
For Viktor his purpose came from a manuscript he was working on before he was taken to the camps. He had it with him, his most prized possession, but it was taken from him along the way. Completing the book gave him purpose.
An even stronger pull from the inmates who survived came from LOVE. They had someone on the outside that they dreamed about seeing again. They imagined themselves having a nice meal together, or sleeping together in a nice warm bed. The visualizations of finding that peaceful place again, carried them through their now, which was full of suffering and misery.
Love is what matters. Hold onto that.
Finding purpose to pull through.
Reading Viktor’s story got me thinking more about my own purpose and the book I’ve been writing for the past couple of years. The book had been pulling at me to release it, but my energy had been scattered. I was trying to do too many things.
The next day I started to read a new book called The ONE Thing, which got me to thinking, what’s my ONE thing? My mind came back to my book.
I needed to get it done.
I directed my energy back towards creation, and made a commitment to myself to get the draft of the book done by the end of June. I wrote for hours everyday, spilling out my soul into paragraphs and pages of prose.
My attention became laser focused. The book’s my ONE thing. That’s why I’ve been quiet here.
On the Positive Side?
I continued onward with the group coaching program with Kate and the other ladies and more and more emotions came pouring out. I’ve been releasing layers of pain from this life and from those before me.
I hold a much greater understanding now about the meaning behind it all. I know now why my root space stirred up such grief. I understand why the water has been significant in this life, and why it’s been a place of spiritual experiences.
It’s too much to explain to you here, now. It’s enough to fuel a whole book.
Writing the book has helped me to process it all. It’s helping me to release. It’s helping me to heal, on a much deeper level. There are greater lessons to be learned in this life. Endometriosis has been my greatest teacher.
After all of this, I can say with certainty that I’m Ok. I feel like I’ve been a caterpillar who has finally broke free into the beauty of the butterfly. In fact, I’ve seen an orange butterfly consistently over this time, flying in and out of my vision, as I’ve spent days outside, soaking up the summer sun.
I set a release date for my next book, which I’m calling Energetics of Endo. The day for release is 11/8/17. Yay!
I have grand visions for the Peace With Endo community and bigger things are transpiring from my experiences with Kate, but first…. I must finish the book. Ha.
What gives your life purpose? What gives it meaning to move forward when circumstances feel overwhelming and like they will never end? What helps pull you though?
I’d love to hear from you in the comments below.