A Sad Goodbye

This past Sunday my grandmother was essentially “unplugged” at the hospital. She had surgery on Thanksgiving and remained in intensive care since, her body unable to recover. She was having a lot of issues breathing and wasn’t accepting the oxygen the doctors were pumping into her. Her left lung was caving in as she struggled for each breath.

On Monday morning I woke up to find out that she passed around 12:30 AM. While I had anticipated her passing, nothing really prepares you for the loss of a loved one. I spent much of Monday in tears.

I visited my grandmother’s house after her passing to help my mother prepare photos for the funeral and an outfit for her burial. Being in the empty house was so surreal – such a large collection of her life around. She’d never walk in the array of shoes on the floor, nor wear the colorful clothes in the closet. She was gone.

I went to work on Tuesday thinking that I was alright to do so and that perhaps it would help get my mind off of things.

When I arrived, my stress levels quickly raised. I was unable to concentrate and was finding impatience with most things. After hearing that I was allowed five days bereavement time, I was quick to take it. I needed the time to grieve and accept the pain.

I’ve spent the rest of the week remembering the sweetness of my grandmother. She always wore a smile on her face. She would not want me to be sad. I smile now at the memory of her.

Aside my smiles, big tears roll down and I have allowed them to flow freely. I feel like crying is such a big release. When the tears stop I always find a sense of relief as if I’ve released a bit of toxic emotion, thus releasing this from myself.

My grandmother was so encouraging to me. “You should be a writer,” she would say every time she read anything of mine. She was always my biggest fan.

My brain has been in quite foggy but some of that has been lifted today. So here I am writing to you… 🙂

Faith and the Power of Silence

My grandmother held a very strong faith and she always stressed to me how this got her through most days. She made it through the deaths of two husbands and often spoke of how much she missed them, how her heart ached. I know that she has found this love again. That she is at peace.

I’ve been much more mindful this week and believe it is death that has reawakened this in me. I’ve spent time sitting in quiet recollection or simple, silent nothingness...breathing deeply, only mindful of my breath. For my grandmother had lost this simple action so easily taken for granted.

I’ve sat breathing in the winter air still aided by the warmth of the sun. I’ve appreciated the beauty of the world around me. I’ve taken the time to say soft prayers that have allowed me to let go of that which is out of my control.

Lucky for me, my sweet puppy has been by my side. Comforting me with the simple presence of her silent love and making me smile with her silly antics 🙂

Emotional Pain to Physical Pain.

Unfortunately not all my time at home this week has been quiet. The enraged neighbor below has had an outburst every night this week, further raising my stress levels.  And this stressful week ended with a deep pain south of the heart – Yes the all too familiar period pain.

I had hopes this month that I was pregnant. A hope that I’ve shut out the past couple of months for fear of recognizing the pain of infertility again.

I’ve felt really good all month. Lots of energy and no pain. I suppose I hoped that this goodness could be a result of something else going on in my body…

I had hope that perhaps with the passing of my beloved grandmother that we would be blessed with life…

Well not this month. My period showed up early yesterday morning at 2AM – yuck. I was up  with what felt like a swollen, pulsing uterus and pain that somehow physically validated all the emotional pain I’d been fighting with all week.

I took some Vitalzym and other medicated herbs and went back to bed with my heating pad. I was able to catch a little sleep. When I awoke I was feeling better. I drank some water and Dandy Blend with coconut milk.

To help with the inflammation I focused on getting lots of Omega 3’s with chia seeds and fish oil. I ate salmon and green beans for lunch. By evening my pain was pretty well resolved and today – day two of my cycle – I’m feeling good. Horray!

Emotional Eating.

I believe the pain that I experienced with the period was a result of my poor food choices this week. I acknowledge that I did partake in a little emotional eating and allowed gluten to sneak back in. I devoured a delicious, sweet Waffle House waffle after my grandmother’s passing and I must say it was totally worth it 🙂

I believe the kicker however was the gluten I ate the night before my period started – in a pair of delicious crab cakes and the scrumptious cashew, almond and honey snacks that I totally pigged out on. When I am nearing or on my period my body is very sensitive to my food choices. 

Gluten + Saturated Fats right before or during my period = PAIN.

I believe the pain at the onset of my period was due to stress, and these poor food choices and I do think the poor food choices were a result of the stress and emotional pain. While the physical pain was bad for a couple of hours I was able to go back to sleep and function the next day without too much trouble.

On the Positive Side?

The pain I usually get deep in my uterus, was not as bad this month. Regardless of the stress I’ve fought with all week, the pain was not as bad as it’s been in the past and recently. I feel like things are really improving.

This cycle follows the fourth liver and gallbladder cleanse that I’ve completed and I truly believe these cleanses are helping to cure my endometriosis. 

There is hope. Please take my success as a light in the darkness. And don’t forget to say thank you each day to that which you call God or simply the universe for it is gratitude that makes us smile and that is what we should be doing everyday.

Peace and Love to You.

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