Endometriosis and Infertility
When I was officially diagnosed with endometriosis I felt like I was also sentenced with the possibility of infinite infertility. I’d learned that endometriosis is the leading cause of infertility affecting some 30% of women who have it.
This possibility dispelled itself in me, causing an ache in my heart. Would I never be a mother? This question seemed to grow louder in my mind as the time passed by with no success.
For years I watched nearly all the women in my life experience this miraculous event and I really struggled. There were moments when I’d be faced with a new life in front of me, or photos posted all over my newsfeed on Facebook and I’d feel that familiar twinge in my heart and deeper still — in my broken womb.
This hurt drove me to many days and nights of tears. A pain and longing in my heart for a child that I may or may not bear. There were periods were I was unable to look at a beautiful baby without breaking down into tears.
The Stress of the Two Week Wait
The process of trying to conceive has overall been pretty stressful. I quickly learned about the LONG two week wait.
Plenty of times I was sure that I was pregnant. My boobs would get sore, I was nauseous and I’d have slight pink spotting a week past ovulation. Biggest mistake in these times was me scouring the Internet for answers which always pointed to pregnancy.
This assurance had me thinking up names and where the new baby would sleep. It had me questioning about what I would do with my job — would I be able to stay at home and find a way to help support us?
Eventually my persistent thoughts made me break down and buy a set of pregnancy tests, but they always showed a negative sign. This didn’t stop the thoughts. What if the test was inaccurate? I had all the symptoms… that spotting HAD to be implantation bleeding. Right?
Problem is, the symptoms of endometriosis also mimic those of pregnancy. Almost without fail, the day following my negative pregnancy test I’d get my period. And the emotions behind her arrival lent to extreme pain. Horrible pain I believe mimicked labor…. Ha.
Decision to Stop Trying….
While I have not given up hope on getting pregnant I did make a decision a few months back to stop trying. I want to complete my liver cleansing journey before giving it a go again, as I want my body to be in the best shape it can be to house a child.
Pushing aside the thought of potential pregnancy has helped my stress levels SO much. I’ve deliberately avoided intimacy nearing ovulation so that I did not have to deal with the heartache of the two week wait. This decision has helped nullify my thoughts of possibility.
I wrote a guest post for the blog Baby Hopeful recently and sitting down to write about my infertility brought up all these emotions again. The other night I had a very vivid dream about holding a very beautiful baby girl who looked at me and smiled. That heartache that I’d tried to stuff down the past few months reawakened.
To top it off, I found out last week that a student at IIN that I am working closely with for the next six months is pregnant. When I found this out I felt the familiar pain in my chest. Having shared my infertility woes with her she asked me if I still wanted to work together.
“Of course,” I said. But deep down it bothered me. I spent the next couple of days mulling over this response. Would I be able to handle this for the next six months?
After spending sometime meditating something shifted inside of me. This lovely woman was blessed with a child and that is wonderful. This is her journey. Not mine. My gratitude and blessings towards her shall only spark positive karma for me.
My time will come. But it will not come any faster if I hold onto resentment and inner stress. I made the firm decision to move forward with her.
On the Positive Side?
Over the weekend I started researching different theories on eating healthy for pregnancy (and pre-pregnancy) in hopes of sharing this information with her. In turn, I am learning lots of information for myself and information to pass along to you — lovely reader 😉
I have hopes that my liver cleansing journey will be fulfilled in the next four to six months, in which I have plans to try again. At this time I want to start acupuncture — an avenue that I’ve yet to explore. There is a woman at the wellness center that I attend that specializes in infertility and I know lots of women have found success this way.
I titled this post “Finding Peace With Infertility” with a question mark because this is the ultimate question. Can I find peace with the notion that I may never be able to have a child? I am not sure.
In the meantime, however, I believe I’ve taken a big step towards peace by letting go of resentment — instead I turn to love. When a new life is born this is a miracle and should be celebrated. I feel honored to help her on her journey and help give the new life inside of her the very best start 🙂
With much love,