This past Sunday my husband woke to the news that one of his good friends committed suicide. Needless to say this caused a disturbance of energy in our household.
I picked up on the sadness, even though I didn’t personally know his friend.
The experience of loss by suicide runs deep in my husband’s history and the passing of his friend brought back up old scars that opened up and bled out this week.
The decision to take one’s life is not to be taken lightly. It conjures up so many emotions and a never-ending question: Why?
Releasing Pain Through Music
I think the decision to commit suicide comes from a desperate desire to end the pain. It’s fear that the pain will never end.
But even with suicide, the pain does not end. Instead it’s multiplied and spread out to all those who lost. To all those who will forever wonder Why?
Pain. Guilt. Abandonment. It conjures up a lot.
All of this happened on the cusp of my last blog post: Love is Greater Than Fear, where I shared the suggestion of releasing pain through art.
“You should write a song about it,” I told my husband.
So that’s what he did. He wrote out a part of his soul and composed guitar and lyrics in a piece of art. An expression of the pain.
And it’s an absolutely beautiful song. Check it out.
As he works to perfect it before the funeral, he’s played it over and over again. In fact it’s playing as I’m writing this.
There was a point where I had to block my ears out. Not because of the song itself but because of the emotions I was picking up.
Traits of a Highly Sensitive Empath
I discovered not too long ago that I am a highly sensitive empath (HSE). Heard of it?
As I started to read more about the characteristics of an HSE, things fell together for me. I began to understand better why I am the way I am.
One book that I read on the topic was The Highly Sensitive Empath: Feeling Skinless in a Sandpaper World written by an HSE for other HSE’s.
Some of the HSE traits from the book that I related to included:
- Being bored easy, need more stimulation to feel better.
- More sensitive to fear, but more likely to face it.
- Forgiving. Allows for natural flaws of nature.
- Easily falls into the emotions of others. These emotions are transferred.
- Triggers can set you off, especially if these include experiences from childhood.
- Sensitive to smells.
- Need to be alone to tune into who you are.
- Need to be in tune with your own energy and to be able to distinguish this from others.
- Intuitive. Drawn to certain things.
- Very real dreams, much as the waking world. You can meet others in this realm.
- Heavily impacted by grief and funerals are a big struggle. Group energy of grief can impact you greatly.
- Creative.
Do you relate to any (or all) of these? 🙂
As my husband wrote this song a couple of nights ago, I had a big influx of emotion that flared through. My entire body was aching. Tears came flowing out.
This happened simultaneously as he bled his emotions out in this song, fueled by a tremendous loss of a friend.
He said that writing the song was helpful, but as he went through the process he cried, he burrowed, he dug into all the emotions that were stirred up.
My body picked up that energy in a BIG way.
Highly Sensitive Endo Sisters
This topic of being highly sensitive has come up before in endometriosis support groups that I’m part of. Which got me wondering if being a HSE is common with women with endo?
It would make sense, if so.
The womb is a powerful space. It is the place of new life. It is the piece that births our creative feminine energy, our intuition.
What happens when cells that resemble the inside of this powerful organ end up all over your body? It’s no wonder we’re so sensitive.
So what does it mean to be an HSE?
I’ve had to learn to be selective with my energy. I am easily drained when I’m around negative energy. This could come from people or events (I very rarely read the mainstream news since it’s pretty much all negative).
But on the opposite, I also pull in positive energy and inspiration from others. This is definitely the energy I choose to be around 🙂
It also means that I need space alone to refuel and restore, especially after a big social gathering. More so if it’s something sad like a funeral (or days of hearing a sad suicide song…)
I need time alone to tune into what my true emotions are. Since I pick up other’s energy, it’s so vital for me to have space to re-group.
It also means that I MUST express myself creatively or I start to get really cranky. This primarily comes out through writing, but I also love music. I love to sing and am learning to play guitar. Or sometimes a simple coloring break is in order 🙂
On the Positive Side?
I read an article recently about how empaths are innate healers (which includes the ability to heal ourselves).
We are drawn into professions where we help others.
I think this is natural. If you pick up on the energy of others then it makes sense to want to help heal other’s pain. This way we get to feel better too.
I figured out that I am highly sensitive because I became aware of the impacts of people’s energy on me. Once I became more aware I could sense my intuition about situations almost immediately.
Intuition is a powerful thing, especially on the journey to self-healing.
I was able to put one and two together between last night’s pain and the pain being shed all around me because I am tuned in, self-aware.
Thank you for reading this, as I too released some of what I’ve picked up this week 🙂
Are you highly sensitive too? How does this impact you? I’d love to hear from you in the comments below.
wooow!!. I too am very much sensitive, in higher doses at times. I’ve always just thought its a part of my astrological zodiac sign “Cancer” , always have been the emotional type, since being a child. But,I was a victim of physical, and emotional abuse so that also had an impact on my emotional state ontop of already naturally being a case.. anyhow., I have noticed that I am very much easely offended lately to the point that I have left 2 jobs becsuse I didnt tolerate the feeling of being offended by supervisors and working conditions
Hi Patricia – It’s good to hear that I’m not alone 🙂 Funny you say that about easily being offended at work since the same happened to me this week. In retrospect, I realize that I got so out of sorts because it triggered something deeper in relation to my own ideas of self-worth and how others treat me. Or maybe I just picked up on the negative energy it was meant to stimulate.
“I have noticed that I am very much easely offended lately to the point that I have left 2 jobs becsuse I didnt tolerate the feeling of being offended by supervisors and working conditions” Patricia I have also had this experience more times than I would like to admit!
As I read the article it sounded just like me. I am also a cancer/moonchild as well as Patricia. I am very sensitive to sounds, smells, emotions & social groups as well as foods, such as textures of foods.
Hi Julie – Thanks for commenting 🙂 It can get overwhelming being so sensitive to stimuli. I am sensitive to sounds too.
I have been an overly sensitive person for the longest time. I’ve also been able too feel when something is wrong with someone, or just getting a general feeling of something is not right. Like something bad is about to happen. I also see things sometimes in my mind and then that exact thing happens, like déjà vu. I can also know things that happened to someone before they even tell me. I’m also very creative and have been writing poetry and stories since I was 12. I love to color and paint, anything creative. When I am writing it’s like nothing else exists or matters, it’s just me and my words. Also when I write the words flow out faster than I can write them down. I have a collection of about 250 poems and song lyrics that I have written. I enjoyed your article and to me it makes sense.
Hi Patricia – thanks for sharing. I understand that instinctual feeling that things aren’t right. Such a lesson it has been for me to really listen to it, because it’s always spot on.
Bipolar 2, PMDD, Depression, Anxiety. These have all been tagged to my medical records. I am not one for labels, but I see that western medicine often yearns for them. To be able to place a label on something makes it easier to deal with, right? Well not for me. Why can’t I just be who I am and not have to place a label on what psychological issues I may or may not have. As a woman with Endo and PCOS with insulin resistance I know my hormones are out of control. So do these medical labels truly fit me? I believe while somedays it is easier to place a label on my problems, most days I just like to except things for how they are. This is who I am.
Did I deserve to be placed in the psych ward when I was having an emotional crisis which included cursing out an ER physician when he was verbally aggressive towards me and then he and security physically restrained me without further provocation? Then arriving at the psych ward in a haze of haloperidol they drugged me with when simple empathy could have settled the situation. After I came through the haze the physician at the psych ward evaluated me and told me point blank she wasn’t sure why I was at the facility to begin with, that it sounded like I just needed someone to listen and understand what I was going through. She didn’t understand why I have been diagnosed with Bipolar 2 PMDD Depression Anxiety. She knew that with my medical issues the symptoms are similar to the pyschological l conditions and was quick to address the situation.
I know and appreciate now after my not so enjoyable experience that I can be okay with the label of a Highly Sensitive Empath. Also my hormones are also sometimes so out of wack they can mimic those of psychological conditions. (Although not to be dismissed I go to counseling and see a psychiatrist on the regular.)
I wonder if any other women with PCOS/ENDO and other endocrine conditions have gone through a similar experience to mine. I find it to be an odd parallel to the statistic of how long it takes women to reach a diagnosis of ENDO. For so long doctors and psychologists were willing to blame these emotional symptoms on psychological conditions. When now my doctors and psychologists truly feel it is all just side effects of multiple endocrine disorders.
Wow Meghan. I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve been through all this. Empathy and compassion is really what we need, but unfortunately it’s not always received. Sending you so much LOVE.
I too recently found out that I am highly sensitive. For me, I had always known that I was very in tune with things, but the biggest realization came in learning that others DON’T experience things as intensely as I do. Things that seem quite obvious to me are not obvious to others, especially when it comes to people’s moods and subtleties.
I have also learned to trust my intuition. I had traditionally taken it into account, but doubted myself a lot too. But us HSE’s perceive more information and thus are more likely to pick up more and more detailed signals a person is consciously or subconsciously sending out. More often than not I am on the money when it comes to picking up on subtle emotions and cues.
The connection with endo is very interesting! I wonder if there’s something behind it!
So important to trust your intuition. There’s been so many times where I’ve doubted it, when it was right on. That can definitely be used to your benefit 🙂
Aubree, I wonder if you are familiar with the MBTI, Myers-Briggs Type Indicator? Given your self-description, you might enjoy learning about it.
The MBTI is based on some of Swiss psychologist Carl Jung’s theories and it puts people into one of 16 different “types”. It’s a pretty simple thing, but can really help people learn more about themselves and how others are different and how to get along better with people who are not like themselves.
The official MBTI test costs a bit to take and has to be administered by a qualified practitioner, but there are online tests that you can do for free which approximate the MBTI at home. One of those is called the “Kiersey Temperament Sorter”. There are many sites offering it (for free), and some are sketchier and less reliable than others, so just check around and look for legitimate-enough-looking sites. It’s about 60-80 questions and takes about 15-20 minutes, then they give you the result. You might want to do a couple of them, to see if their results agree.
After you know which main type you fall into, lots of websites also have free descriptions of the various types. The quality of those vary a lot too — from terrible to good, but also some thorough and helpful ones out there.
Each type has 4 letters.
First letter: E for extraversion or I for introversion
Second letter: N for intuitive or S for sensing
Third letter: T for thinking or F for feeling
Fourth letter: J for judging or P for perceiving
By your description of some of your personality in the above post, and the character and scope of your website, I’d say that you are
quite likely an I for introversion,
probably an F for feeling,
possibly a P for perceiving…
I’m not so sure about the second letter, so I’ve left it to last – perhaps an S for sensing since you like to do creative things and you like to color. But I haven’t read enough of your other posts to get a sense of that. You might well be an N.
I would recommend these 2 books:
– What Type Am I? Discover who you really are
by Renee Baron (**if you only look at one of these two books, look at the Baron book)
– Work Types
by Kummerow, Barger, and Kirby
Interesting connection between being HSP and Endometriosis. Figuring out that that’s what I’ve had all these years! Makes so much sense, great read 🙂
Indeed. Thanks, love.