This week is National Infertility Awareness Week. Infertility is an issue that has impacted me for many years. Seven years.
I didn’t think that I’d still be writing for awareness week.
But, here I am.
34 years old, counting down to 35. The number that’s been planted in my mind as a turning point, when it gets even harder to conceive.
Dealing with infertility for so many years is a grieving process. The stages come and go, but as more time goes on, the closer I get to the acceptance stage.
My mind has different ways of handling all of this. I share some of my recent reasoning in this post today.
Generations of Pain
I think there’s a line of pain in my female lineage and it has played out in a physical manner. My mother struggled with similar gynecological issues as me.
As the last child of three, I came after the loss of some of her reproductive organs. I came from a space of pain.
I think the pain played out in my uterus with generational layers of suffering.
I’ve struggled with pain with my periods from the start.
I’ve always wondered if I was going to have issues conceiving. My reproductive organs have caused me so much grief. Torture, actually.
I’ve also wondered what would happen if my genes lived on? What if I pass down this pain to my daughter? What if I have to watch her experience that?
A couple of years ago I tested my genes and came face to face with the reality that my body is messed up.
I have many breakdowns in my detoxification abilities, including the ability to breakdown estrogen. My genes helped me understand why I have endometriosis in my body.
Studies in epigenetics have shown that we can alter our genes. They are not set in stone.
Or… maybe this is the end of the line. At this point, with rational reasoning, maybe these genes aren’t strong enough to move on.
It’s Up to Me to Find Peace
Perhaps this pain ends with me, and it is up to me, here at the end of this generational line, to find peace.
For me, for the stories behind me, and that which is yet to come.
Peace comes when we surrender to WHAT IS.
Acknowledge and release.
Infertility comes with pain. A deep pain that brings up feelings of unworthiness.
And the revolving question: WHY?
I’m not good enough.
I don’t deserve it.
I am broken.
I think these are messages connected in my subconscious… perhaps from generations before.
It’s up to me to stop this pain. To witness these thoughts as what they are: thoughts, not truth.
You are already whole & complete
Instead of believing these thoughts, re-connect back to the truth of your true-self: You are already whole and complete.
Child or not.
Simply because you are here. A beautiful creation, experiencing life through a body that may bring pain.
Take a moment and recognize that.
Connecting back to my true self through meditation and mindful thinking has allowed those thoughts of, I’m not worthy. I am broken.
To shift to, I am whole and complete.
On the Positive Side?
What gets me through the pain is living in the present, allowing, acknowledging and letting go.
With infertility, it comes in fleeting moments in the sound of a child’s laughter or the sight of a pregnant belly: feeling a pang in my heart, allowing the sadness to filter through, then releasing it.
It does no good to carry the pain. We can only live with what is right NOW.
When we learn to let go, we release the pain we carry.
This is good for peace at the end of the line and if, by chance, a daughter is still to come.