I spent the past week reading the first draft to my next book. I printed it off and held it proudly in my hands. As I read through it, I’m reminded of the growth 2016 has already brought me.
The pages reminded me of the emotional impact of endometriosis and infertility. As I re-visited my early history, printed on 8 x 10 paper, I came away with a greater understanding of myself.
One glaring revelation is the continued quest to escape who I am. This intensified when I experienced physical and emotional pain.
But I learned early on how to disconnect from that. I conditioned numbness.
I think with endometriosis and the immense amount of pain it brings, that it’s your body’s natural defense mechanism to try and numb it, to disassociate. When you live with chronic pain (emotionally or physically), it’s natural to want to escape from what feels like an internal prison.
How did I try to escape?
I sought out different feelings that could override reality. I chugged Bacardi and lemonade as a teenager and put many mind-altering drugs into my body.
I found an altered, happy state with sugar. Then came caffeine and sugar. The delightful mix. Starbucks. The buzz. As I entered a corporate sales environment, I used it as fuel.
There was also shopping. I wanted to be seen in new clothes. I was worried about my outward appearance. It felt good to have something new.
I sought out further recognition with school. I collected degrees, double masters, certification after certification. Subconsciously, I was seeking some type of external worth.
I was seeking some new life, new career, new… something. I didn’t want to me. Here, now.
This desire to not be me extended into my early relationship with my husband. We got into many arguments when he caught me in lies. He’s the most honest person I’ve met and he’s clear that he despises liars.
He taught me how to be honest. He taught me that it’s Ok to speak my truth.
Why do you lie? Fear. Fear of reaction from speaking your truth, owning up to your mistakes, accepting what is. This emotion of fear has been prevalent on my journey and I realize how much it held me back.
Fear to be me.
But in trying to escape I was damaging my body even more.
On the Positive Side?
A big part of my healing process has been reconnecting and realizing that “I” am a beautiful being just as I am. I’m finally realizing that I can be me, here now.
Why have I been running so long from what’s in front of me?
I catch myself sometimes, desiring a different outcome, thinking how things should be, instead of how they actually are, and I pull back to the moment. To this beautiful moment.
Life is made up on them. And it all goes by so quickly. Pause. Or you’ll miss it, always trying to be somewhere else, or someone else.
It’s Ok to pause, breathe, feel the sun. Put down your electronic device and feel YOU in this moment.
I continue to work on this notion of being me, fully, in the here and now, with love, unconditionally. I’ve slowly gained acceptance of all that I am. Endo or not. Pain or not. Baby or not. What a discovery!
This space on the internet has helped me do just that. Thanks for being here and allowing me to be me.