October. It’s taken me a long time to appreciate this time of year again. I’m finally seeing the beauty in the colors of the leaves falling down all around. A visual sign of change.
There’s a different energy in the air. The light before the darkness of winter. The month ends with Halloween, leading into the day of the dead.
DEATH.
This is what I’ve related October with for the past 12 years.
This goes back to October 16th. My hubby and I call it death day. It’s a day we both lost someone we loved.
Death Day
On October 16, 2004 my fiancé, Jeff, died in a car accident. It was an overly warm day. He’d been out fishing before hand.
A police officer and grief counselor came to my door and told me the news. For whatever reason, I was pulled to Ryan’s apartment across the hall, in search of confirmation from an outside source that it was not all a dream.
It certainly felt that way.
Ryan was good friends with Jeff. That carried forward when Ryan stepped in and helped me make sense of my new reality. I leaned into that support. His apartment across the hall became an oasis away from the grim realities of life after death.
Our lives changed forever that day I knocked on Ryan’s door. October 16th. Come to find out that day held another death. 16 years previously Ryan’s father died. He took his own life.
Ryan and I shared a day of death and we came together on that day. 16. And here we stand together in 2016, except now Ryan is my husband 🙂
“I’ll Be Right Beside You”
Jeff’s death shifted my entire world and left me with many questions. What happens after someone dies? These questions ended up renewing my faith in something higher and the existence of energy that’s out of sight, but not out of presence.
Shortly after Jeff died I had a spiritual encounter on the mountain where we’d spent a lot of time together. It came after a vivid memory of him (you can read the full story in my book).
As I got in my car and drove back down the mountain a song came on the radio: Run, by Snow Patrol. It was the first time I’d ever heard it. I felt like Jeff was talking to me. I continued to hear that song on the radio, every time I was in my car. I played it at the funeral.
The other day as I was listening to music on YouTube I noticed a recommended video in the corner – Run.
I have a hard time listening to that song without crying. I have to brace myself for it. There it was. Waiting for me.
Digital Memory of a Life Passed
When Jeff died I worked at a jewelry store where my engagement ring was from. Years later, Ryan bought me an engagement ring from the same store.
I brought my ring to that store this week to get cleaned and inspected. The man who assisted me typed my information into a tablet that he set in front of me and pulled up related purchases. That’s when I saw Jeff’s name.
“Jeff’s no longer there?” he asked, also noticing his name at the bottom of the list.
My breath stopped. He asked again, “Jeff’s not there anymore?”
“No. He’s not.” I said and left it at that. I’m not sure I could say any more at that point. My heart dropped.
Seeing his name there was like a digital memory of a life passed.
Open to Receive October’s Energy
October 2016 started after a new moon, a black moon. As soon as I welcomed the new month I felt a stir of energy.
On October 1st I started reading Gabby Bernstein‘s new book, The Universe Has Your Back. I read through the first few chapters and was feeling inspired.
I love Gabby’s energy. I first listed to her talk during my studies at IIN and she really spoke to me. I’ve been following her since.
I practiced some of the meditations that were included in Gabby’s book. I asked the universe, God, source (however you describe it) for a sign. I’ve been feeling out of sorts lately, not sure what to do, where to focus my energy. I’ve been feeling scattered.
I asked this question then meditated with my palms faced upwards on my thighs, open to receive.
Throughout that day I continued to see repeating numbers – 11:11, 1:11, 4:44, 5:55. I’d catch the time at that exact moment. All day long.
Repeating numbers are said to be a sign. Some say it’s a guiding sign from sources out of sight – angels, spirit guides. A sign that you’re on the right track. It’s a sign to pay attention.
After having a strange synchronicity alive in numbers with death and my relationship with Ryan, well, I pay attention to these things 🙂
Musical Alignment
As the night wore on, I picked up my guitar in the corner. I brushed off the dust and went to work tuning the lonely strings. It’d been months since I last picked it up.
I began to play, feeling the buzz of sound under my fingers. As the sound rang out, electric from the amp, tears started to stream down my cheeks. I felt a great rush of emotion, as an understanding crept into my consciousness.
It was as if my energy aligned. I felt the shift with the music.
October 16, 2004. The day Jeff died was the day Ryan bought his first guitar. Shortly after that I also picked up a guitar for the first time. I played for awhile then stopped. I got distracted by many things that seemed more important.
“Pick up your guitar Aubree,” Ryan’s voice rang through my mind. He’d been telling me to do this for over a decade.
He kept playing long after I stopped. His skills advanced to where he’s now composing full songs and playing multiple instruments, but frustration has kicked in. He wants to play with someone else.
As the tears fell out, dropping on the buzz of the guitar strings, it was like I finally heard and understood. I’d wasted so much time on school and not on music, not on this creative extension of my soul.
I have music running through my body. It’s in my blood. My voice. The song in me. It stirs.
After the tears stopped falling, a song came out of me. My voice. Emotion.
And a much greater understanding.
Ryan and I need to come together in music, connecting our energy in a much greater expression. The numbers. It’s been relevant. Everything breaks down to zeros and ones. Music. Code. Life. Balance.
16.
“Pick up your guitar, Aubree.”
I finally heard and understood. Was I guided? Yes, I do believe I was.
As this energy and understanding flowed through, I looked up at the clock.
10:16.
On the Positive Side?
Because of our connection with 16, Ryan and I felt 2016 would be big for us and in many ways it has been. This year has been one of great spiritual growth for me.
Ryan wrote and sang many songs as his talent and musical flow builds. We made our first collaborate song together.
I’ve made great strides, but it pulled together the first day in October with music and an inspired new direction.
I can’t help but feel a little magic in the air this October. Like the veil to the unseen is a little thinner. I feel like maybe these signs have come from lost love near by? What happens to that energy after you die?
Whatever it is, I’m paying attention. Thank you universe for the signs and thank you to Gabby Bernstein for pulling together so many important lessons in her book, with a primary message to return to love. Her guidance helped me find my own, along with a greater spiritual reminder that love never dies.
What a great way to start October 2016.
Much LOVE,
It is amazing how the world works. My heart hurts for your loss, but it is also full of joy because of what came of your loss.
Thank you for sharing!
<3
Thank you Kristie. That loss completely shifted my world and reawakened many things, so for that I am grateful.
Wow…just wow!
Much LOVE.
Dearest Aubree, I can only imagine how difficult it must have been for you to write and share this post. I want you to know that when I read it, I felt a connection, and I believe that’s energy. It comes through the words you choose, what we share, who we are, and I believe that energy stays whether we are in the form of our physical bodies or not. Run by Snow Patrol is one of my favorite songs, now when I listen to it, I’ll think of you and will be sending you, Ryan, and Jeff lots of love. Thank you for sharing with us what you love doing. Side note, I often use your website as a resource for endometriosis, so thank you from a fellow endo sister.
May the rest of your October stay magical.
With love,
Hoda
Thank you Hoda. I do believe in the energy of words too. Thank you for sharing yours with me. Much LOVE.