I stayed up late. Too late. I had to see the last episode: number 13.
I’d spent the last three days watching the new series on Netflix called 13 Reasons Why.
Have you seen it?
It’s intense. The show much more so than the book that it’s based on.
The issue at hand is one that can be hard to talk about: suicide.
It’s an issue that continues to appear within the endo community. There’ve been a string of women who made that choice. A choice that you can’t take back.
I can’t deny that the thought hasn’t crossed my mind, especially in my earlier years of life, as my body shook with pain, emotions, hormones, first loves and losses.
13 Reasons Why took me back to those years in high school. Watching it stirred up all kinds of emotions and trigger points.
Mirroring past trauma & self worth
The main character, Hannah, commits suicide, but before she does, she records tapes of her voice explaining 13 reasons why she took her life.
The 13 episodes transit between flashbacks of when Hannah was alive back to the present day in the aftermath of her decision.
I watched Hannah go through the trials and tribulations of high school, during a vulnerable time of budding sexuality and hormones.
Everything felt more dramatic back then. I remember.
I watched as Hannah was slowly beat down by others. I watched as she lost her sense of self worth.
I watched Hannah and her friends drown their angst in alcohol and I related. I remembered.
And some choices that were taken away.
Disclaimer of possible triggers…
Towards the end of the series many of the episodes began with a disclaimer in warning that some of the scenes could be hard to watch because they depicted sexual abuse.
There’s a reason why they included that, and I’m glad they did. It was a definite trigger for me. It was hard to watch as these young women were violated.
When this sacred pelvic space is violated in a forceful, rough manner, unwilling, it sends shock waves, an echo of trauma that I understand all too well.
Yes. It was hard to watch, as a mirror of a girl with similar features to mine, at an age when trauma happened to me too.
During a time when suicidal thoughts were strong.
It was hard to watch, knowing the outcome of the story. Hannah acted on the thought that filled my head during those early years of life.
A powerful scene at the end.
I wasn’t expecting the intensity, to feel so deeply for this young woman that didn’t make it through. For a woman that allowed others to dictate her beauty and worth.
I watched her numb out as her body was taken over by another that did not value her.
“My soul died,” she said.
What can be done? There’s a powerful scene towards the end in which three words are spoken, “Get over it.”
Hannah got caught in the moment and she didn’t see a way out. It was hard to watch as this young girl took her life, in a way that was only in my imagination.
That was beyond impactful.
As the final episode came to a close I was left with a deep sadness.
Let’s talk about it.
I stayed up even later to watch the final video which had further commentary on the show, which they hoped would stir up a conversation about an issue that can be hard to talk about.
“We wanted to make it hard to watch.”
It leaves behind an echo of pain that ripples through, never ending.
In hopes of ending one pain, it compounds to many who will always doubt and worry that they could have done something, with a spinning question: WHY?
Hannah shared her why, and it broke my heart. I was bawling. No joke.
I cried as I watched the young girl, whose trauma came to light in this body of mine, nearly 20 years later. I think that’s why this triggered so much. I watched it all play out with an ending that put a visual to the imagination.
I woke up to write this post in a daze. The trauma shook, the echoes still heard.
Suicide should never be the answer.
I know it can get to a point where it feels hopeless. Living with pain and thoughts of it never ending.
This is exacerbated in a world that can be unkind. In a world that can bring you down. Especially when your sensitive to that energy. It’s overwhelming sometimes.
On the Positive Side?
But there is always light. Please don’t lose sight of that, love.
Reach out. Speak up. Your life matters. We need your gifts here in this world. Don’t give up. It’s possible to feel better. Please know this.
If you do fall into a dark place, please reach out. There are resources available here: 13reasonswhy.info.
Have you watched 13 Reasons Why? Read the book? How did it make you feel?
I’d love to hear from you in the comments below.
Sending so much LOVE,
Thanks Aubree, I didn’t know about this series. Perhaps I can add it to our discussion topics for our next EFA/VA Hope school presentation. I think it’s a topic that should be discussed openly and the high school audience would be receptive to it. Thanks!
Indeed. It’s hard as a young girl with endo. It definitely puts the topic out there for discussion.
I felt exactly the same way as you. It was very hard to watch but so hard to look away as well. I almost feel like it was therapeutic to watch and process emotions that were buried deep down from high school days.
I know what you mean Tania. Much Love.